Entertainment Spot

The World According To The Americans

2009-06-26T02:23:00.000-07:00

click the image to Zoom-In

New exam pattern based on IPL rules

2009-06-09T04:13:00.000-07:00

Cricket has reached exciting levels with IPL....
Infusing the same thing into exams,
some suggestions:-

1. Reduce exam duration to 1 hr and marks to 50.

2. Introduce strategic break after 30 minutes.

3. Give free hit, that is a chance for students to frame their own questions and write answers.

4. 1st 15 minutes power play, that is no invigilator in the exam hall. ( everyone will love this....!!!)

5. Introduce fair play awards.

6.Cheer girls to cheer for every correct answer written....!!!

Sardar Vs Tyson

2009-05-25T21:36:00.000-07:00

One rainy day Sardar singh was travelling by his new FERRARI car. He was not a very good driver and so, did not have complete control on it. Mike tyson was also riding his bike on the same road. At a speed breaker sardar's car came in contact with tyson's bike. Tyson got very angry.

He dragged sardar out of the car and threw him a few yards away from the car. Tyson then drew a small circle around sardar and shouted "Hey!! It's not easy for you to damage my bike and get away. Now i will be thrashing your car. You should stay inside this circle and watch me smash your car. If you come out of the circle, I will kill you immediately".

Then tyson turned towards the car and he smashad its side indicators. Then he looked at sardar. Sardar looked at tyson sarcastically. Tyson's anger grew and he smashed the window panes and then again looked at sardar. Sardar grinned at tyson. Tyson was confused. Tyson could now not at all control his anger and he broke the side doors and tore away the seats of the car. Then he again looked at Sardar. Sardar was laughing so hard that he could hardly stand.

This time Tyson came to Sardar and he told "oh! what is this ? I am spoiling your expensive car and you are so happy about it?"

Sardar replied Every time you turned towards the car I was out of the circle and you did not notice it.

Where is God?

2009-05-25T21:29:00.000-07:00

Two little boys, aged 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous. They are always getting into trouble and their parents know all about it. If any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually. So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.

The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly,

"Do you know where God is, son?"

The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open. So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone,

"Where is God?!"

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God?!"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "Boss we are in BIG trouble this time."

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"GOD is missing, and they think we did it!”

Letter from a guy tired of chain mails!!!!

2009-05-25T21:15:00.000-07:00

I want to thank all my friends and other unknown people who have forwarded chain letters to me in 2008.

Because of your kindness:

I stopped drinking Coca-Cola after I found out that it's good only for removing
toilet stains.

I stopped eating apples for fear that it might have been cut by a fruit-seller having an open wound on his hands & is suffering from AIDS.

I smell like a wet dog since I stopped using deodorants because they cause cancer.

I also stopped answering the phone for fear that they may ask me to dial a stupid number and then I get a phone bill from hell with calls to Uganda , Singapore and Tokyo .

I also stopped drinking water outside for fear that I will get sick from the rat shit and urine.

When I go to parties, I don't look at any girl, no matter how hot she is, for fear that she will take me to a hotel, drug me, then take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.

I also donated all my savings to the Amy Bruce account. A sick girl that was about to die in the hospital about 7,000 times. (Poor girl! she's been 7 since 1993...)

My free Nokia phone never arrived and neither did the free passes for a paid vacation to Disneyland .

Made some Hundred wishes before forwarding those Dalai Lama, Ganesh Vandana, Tirupathi Balaji pics etc.
Now most of those "Wishes" are already married (to someone else)!

You can add your own notes based on your similar experience and send them to
your friends.

If ORKUT deletes my account, it doesn't matter BUT PLEASE DON'T SEND me "Orkut is
deleting accounts: Due to sudden rush..." Otherwise I'll delete my E-Mail account!

No Thanks & No Regards whatsoever,
A Totally Frustrated Software Engineer.

Americans are Intelligent of course!!

2009-05-25T21:06:00.000-07:00

While visiting India, George Bush is invited to tea with Abdul Kalam. He asks Kalam what his leadership philosophy is. He says that, it is to surround himself with intelligent people. Bush asks how he knows if they're intelligent.

"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Kalam. "Allow me to demonstrate."

Bush watches as Kalam phones Manmohan Singh and says, "Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question: your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"

Manmohan immediately responds, "It's me, Sir !"

"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Kalam. He hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?" Bush nods: "Yes Mr. President. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!" Bush, upon returning to Washington , decides he'd better put the Condoleeza Rice to the test. Bush summons her to the White House and says, "Condoleeza, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."

"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"

Bush poses the question: "Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Rice was puzzled and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?" Bush agrees, and Rice leaves. Rice immediately calls a meeting of senior senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Rice calls Colin Powell and explains the problem.

"Mr. Powell, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course."

Much relieved, Rice rushes back to the White House, finds George Bush, and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's our Colin Powell!"

And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, its Manmohan Singh!"

Rajni's Power

2009-05-25T20:29:00.000-07:00

Rajnikant was bragging to Amitabh Bachan one day, "You know, I know everyone, Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.

Tired of his boasting, Amitabh Bachan called his bluff, "OK, Rajini how about Tom Cruise?"

"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it" Rajini said.

So Rajini and Amitabh Bachan fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts :--- "Thalaiva! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"

..Although impressed, Amitabh Bachan is still skeptical.After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Rajini that he thinks Rajini knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else" Rajini says.

"President Obama", Amitabh Bachan quickly retorts.

"Yes", Rajini says, "I know him .

And off they go. At the White House, Obama spots Rajini on the tour and motions him, saying, :----"Rajini, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up".

Well, Amitabh Bachan is much shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.

After they leave the White House grounds, he implores her to name anyone else.
"The Pope," Amitabh Bachan replies.
"Sure!" says Rajini, "My folks are from Italy and I've known the Pope a long time".

Rajini and Amitabh Bachan are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Rajini says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican .

Sure enough, half an hour later Rajini emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Rajini returns, he finds that Amitabh Bachan has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to Amitabh Bachan's side, Rajini asks him, "What happened?"

Amitabh Bachan looks up and says, "I was doing fine until u and the pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said,

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"Who's that on the balcony with Rajini?"

Law of Project

2009-05-25T20:23:00.000-07:00

Click on the image to zoom

Reason why never visit a 5 * Hotel

2009-04-14T03:30:00.000-07:00

Question: "What would you like to have ...Fruit juice, Soda, Tea, Chocolate, Milo, or Coffee?"

Answer: " tea please "

Question : " Ceylon tea, Herbal tea, Bush tea, Honey bush tea, Ice tea or green tea ?"

Answer : " Ceylon tea "

Question : "How would you like it ? Black or white ?"

Answer: "white"

Question: "Milk, Whitener, or Condensed milk ? "

Answer: "With milk "

Question: "Goat milk, Camel milk or cow milk"

Answer: "With cow milk please.

Question: " Milk from Freeze land cow or Afrikaner cow?"

Answer: " Um, I'll take it black. "

Question: " Would you like it with sweetener, sugar or honey? "

Answer: "With sugar"

Question: " Beet sugar or cane sugar ?"

Answer: "Cane sugar "

Question:" White , brown or yellow sugar ?"

Answer: "Forget about tea just give me a glass of water instead."

Question: "Mineral water or still water ? "

Answer: "Mineral water"

Question: "Flavored or non-flavored ?"

Answer: "I'll rather die of thirst

Tamil Punch Dialogs

2009-04-14T03:22:00.000-07:00

Nama adicha athu mottai,
Athuva vilundha athu sottai!

'Dye' ! na mandayila podurathu,
'Die' na mandaya podurathu

Thanniku lla kappal pona jolly...
Kappalkulla thanni pona gali...

Odambula ethanai cell irundhalum athula "simcard" poda mudiyathu

Calenderla naama enna thethi kizhichomngarathu mukkiyam illa. Kizhicha
thethiyila naama ennatha kizhichomngarathu than mukkiyam.

Pallu valina palla pudungalaam aana
kannu vali na kanna pudungamudiyuma... :)

elephant mela namma ukandha savari
elephant namma mela okandha oppari!!!!

Kaakaa kaa ..kaa nu katharadhala adha kaakaa-nu kupidarom.. Aana maadu
maa .. maaa nu katharadhala adha mama-nu kupidamudiuma

Running racela kaal evalavu vegama odinaalum, !
Price kaikuthaan kedaikkum!!

ULAGAM THERIYAMA VALRRAVAN VEGULY
CRICKET THERIYAMA VILAYADURAVAN GANGULY

Sodava fridgela vacha cooling soda aagum, Athukkaaga atha washing
machinela vacha washing soda aagumaa!!

kovil maniya namma adicha saththam varum...
aana kovil mani nammala adicha raththam than varum....

South India-la Narthangai kidaikkum.
Aaana, North India-la Southangai kidaikuma?!

Pant Pottu Muttipoda mudiyum aanaaa
muttipottu pant poda mudiyumaa...........

Thanneera Thanninnu sollalaam
Panneera panninnu solla mudiyuma??

Student Joke

2009-04-14T03:10:00.000-07:00

Father: Son,this semester you should get first mark in your exams.

son: sure dad, i will get first mark.. then i will become like Abdul Kalam,then become the prime minister of India... capture Pakistan... then i will conquer whole world.. threaten America to make Chennai as its capital....then....

father: stupid, why are you playing?

son: who started it?

WHY THE CALL CENTER GUYS R PAID SO MUCH

2009-04-14T02:53:00.000-07:00

Based on real experiences.

PEOPLE WONDER WHY THE CALL CENTRE GUYS R PAID SO MUCH......FOR JUST BEING ON THE PHONE. TAKE A LOOK:

1) Tech Support : "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer : "Ok."
Tech Support : "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer : "No."
Tech Support : "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer : "No."
Tech Support : "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until
this point?"
Customer : "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."

2) Customer : "I received the software update you sent, but I am still
getting the same error message."
Tech Support : "Did you install the update?"
Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"

3) Customer : "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."
Tech Support : "Tell me what you've done."
Customer : "I typed 'A: SETUP'."
Tech Support : "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says."
Customer : "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'."
Tech Support : "Insert the MS Word setup disk."
Customer : "What?"
Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"
Customer: "No..."

4).Customer : "Do I need a computer to use your software?"
Tech Support : ?!%#$ (welll pretend to smile)

5).Tech Support : "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer : "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"

Tech support : ##### ***

6) Tech Support : "What type of computer do you have?"
Customer : "A white one."
Tech support : ******_____# ###

7). Tech Support : "What operating system are you running?"

Customer : "Pentium."

Tech support : ////-----+++

8). Customer : "My computer's telling me I performed an illegal
abortion."

Tech support : ??????

9).Customer : "I have Microsoft Exploder."

Tech Support : ?!%#$

10).Customer : "How do I print my voicemail?"

Tech support : ??????

11). Customer : "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print document, but the computer won't boot properly."

Tech Support : "What does it say?"

Customer : "Something about an error and non-system disk."

Tech Support : "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?"

Customer : "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel inside."

Tech support : @@@@@

12). Tech Support: "Just call us back if there's a problem. We're open
24 hours."

Customer: "Is that Eastern time?"

13). Tech Support : "What does the screen say now?"

Customer : "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."

Tech Support : "Well?"

Customer : "How do I know when it's ready?"

Tech support : *** ---- ++++

The best of the lot

14). A plain computer illiterate guy rings tech support to report that his computer is faulty.

Tech: What's the problem?

User: There is smoke coming out of the power supply.

Tech: (keep quite)

Tech: You'll need a new power supply.

User: No, I don't! I just need to change the startup files.

Tech: Sir, the power supply is faulty. You'll need to replace it.

User: No way! Someone told me that I just needed to change the startup and it will fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the command.

Tech support::

10 minutes later, the User is still adamant that he is right. The tech is frustrated and fed up.

Tech supports :( hush hush)
Tech: Sorry, Sir. We don't normally tell our customers this, but there is an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem.

User: I knew it!

Tech : Just add the line LOAD NOSMOKE.COM <> at the end of the CONFIG.SYS . Let me know how it goes.

10 minutes later.

User : It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking.

Tech : Well, what version of DOS are you using?

User : MS-DOS 6.22 .

Tech : That's your problem there. That version of DOS didn't come with NOSMOKE. Contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch that will give you the file. Let me know how it goes.

1 hour later.

User : I need a new power supply.

Tech support : How did you come to that conclusion?
Tech support : (hush hush)
User : Well, I rang Microsoft and told him about what you said, and he started asking questions about the make of power supply.
Tech: Then what did he say?
User: He told me that my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE !!!!!

Height Of all (Too Good)

15) customer care officer: I need a product identification number right now and may I help u in finding it out?
Cust: sure
CCO: could u left click on start and do u find 'My Computer'?
Cust: I did left click but how the hell do I find your computer !!

Software Jokes

2009-04-14T02:23:00.000-07:00

Ramu : Hey.. my submarine is not sinking into the water!! what could be wrong?
Somu : may be u have used float instead of double in the software.

PS : Hey Bull, Can you do me a favor? Can you pass on these 500 rupees to Suthi..?
Bull : Sure.. why not? But tell me one thing. Tell me whether its pass by value or pass by reference.
PS : ???!!!

Ramu : I am very very sure that the guy who just talked to me is a software engineer...
Somu : how do u say that?
Ramu : he asked my physical address instead of my home address!

Ramu : Hey.. I think that SW Engg is very very naive..
Somu : How do u say that?
Ramu : He believes that there is an Arabian Sea++ next to Arabin Sea.

Ramu : Hey.... whats time now?
Somu : System time or local time...??

Ramu : Hey.. I have a problem. My system is not booting up!
Somu : may be, its internal buses are on strike.. check out!

Ramu : (while browsing the TV) what is this? I have heard of Star Sports, Star Movies and Star Plus. Whats this Star Equals??? Is it a new Star Channel?
Somu : No. = operator has been overloaded in Star Channel.

Ramu : why are u wiping ur terminal very often with a cloth?
Somu : clear command is not working properly for my terminal. that's why?

Vani : We have shifted our home to BTM layout now..
Soni : right shift or left shift??

Pooja: do u have Design Specs for brinjal sambar?
Varsha : u mean recipe..?

Ramu : Somu, I am going to file a case against my landlord yaar. He's harassing me too much.
Somu : What case? Upper Case or Lower Case or.

Rajanikanth special

2009-04-14T01:53:00.000-07:00

Rajanikanth makes onions cry.

Rajanikanth can delete the Recycling Bin.

Ghosts are actually caused by Rajanikanth killing people faster than Death can process them.

Rajanikanth can strangle you with a cordless phone.

Rajanikanth can play the violin...... ...with a piano.

When Rajanikanth enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on,......... ....he turns the dark off.

When Rajanikanth looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between Rajanikanth and Rajanikanth.

Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Rajanikanth can throw Brett Favre even further.

Rajanikanth does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.

Bullets dodge Rajanikanth.

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Rajanikanth and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

Rajanikanth' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Rajanikanth.

If you spell Rajanikanth wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean Rajanikanth?" It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance."

Once a cobra bit Rajanikanth' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

When Rajanikanth gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

Rajanikanth can kill two stones with one bird.

Rajanikanth was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Rajanikanth can kill 100 percent of whatever he wants.

There is no such thing as global warming. Rajanikanth was cold, so he turned the sun up.

Rajanikanth can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

It takes Rajanikanth 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

Rajanikanth once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Rajanikanth could use to kill you, including the room itself.

Rajanikanth got his drivers license at the age of 16 Seconds.

With the rising cost of gasoline, Rajanikanth is beginning to worry about his drinking habit.

The square root of Rajanikanth is pain. Do not try to square Rajanikanth, the result is death.

When you say "no one's perfect", Rajanikanth takes this as a personal insult.

There is nothing like recession , its just rajnikanth started to save money

School Answers

2008-12-04T03:02:00.000-08:00

Memories of our Viva exams

2008-12-04T02:56:00.000-08:00

Interviewer:Why is a thicker conductor necessary to carry a current in A.C.as compared to D.C. ?
Candidate :An AC current goes up and down (drawing a
sinusoid) and requires more space inside the wire, so the wire has to be thicker.

External (to student) :"Why does a capacitor block DC but allow AC To pass through ?
Student:See, a capacitor is like this ---| |--- , OK.
DC comes straight, like this ----------, and the capacitor stops it. But AC,goes UP, DOWN, UP DOWN and jumps right over the capacitor!"

Interviewer:How will you tell if that wall outlet carries AC or DC?
Candidate:I will put my finger in. If it is pushed away, it is AC. If it gets stuck, it was DC.

Interviewer: How will you reverse direction of an Induction motor?
Candidate:I will remove the four bolts at the x-ud, turn the motor around, and put back the bolts.

Interviewer:How do you start a synchronous motor?
Candidate:Vrrrrrrrmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm (in rising pitch)
Interviewer: Stop! Stop!
Candidate:rrrrrrrmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm (in falling pitch)

Examiner:"What is a step-up transformer?"
Student:"A transformer that is put on top of electric poles."
Examiner (smiling):"And then what is a step-down transformer?"
Student (hesitantly):"Uh - A transformer that is put in the x-udment or in a pit?"
Examiner (pouncing):"Then what do you call a transformer that is installed on the ground?"
(Student knows he is caught-can't answer) Examiner (impatiently): "Well?"
Student (triumphantly):"A stepless transformer, sir!"

TOP FACTS ABOUT ENGINEERS

Engineers at work:
Assignments solved by one and then carry out mass transfer operations throughout the class

The most important machine for Engineers:
Xerox Machine (Without which assignment Completion couldn't be possible)

Top two Engineering Rumours:
Did you hear the results are being put up today at 5:30pm Did you hear the exams are postponed by two weeks

Common Engineering Dialogues after a paper:

'What is this man, 60% o f the paper was out of the syllabus'
'This was the worst paper set in the entire engineering history' 'I am failing'

How was ur paper???

Ans : “BACK”.

Ultimate Interview

2008-12-04T02:53:00.000-08:00

The IAS Interview

One young man went for an IAS Interview.

"When did India get independence?" He was asked.

"The efforts began a few years earlier and final result was in 1947" He replied.

"Who was responsible for our independence?"

"There were so many. Whom to mention? If I name one, it will be a injustice to another." He replied.

"Is corruption the number one enemy in our country?"

"Some research is going on the subject and I can answer with certainly only after seeing the report" He replied.

The interview board was very pleased with his original and thoughtful answers and asked him not to reveal the questions to others, since they were planning to ask the same questions.

When he went out naturally others were curious to know what was asked. He politely declined, but one persistent Santa would not leave him. "At least tell me the answers" he pleaded, and our friend obliged.

Then it was the turn of this Santa. When he went inside, since his resume was slightly illegible, the board member asked him.

" By the way, what is your date of birth?"
He replied, "The effort began a few years earlier and final result was in 1947."

Somewhat puzzled, they asked another clarification.
"What is your fathers name?"
He replied, "There were so many. Whom to mention". If I name one, it will be injustice to another".

The interviewer was incensed.

"Hey! Are you mad or what?"
He replied. "Some research is going on the subject. I can answer with certainty only after seeing the report."

Thieves

2008-12-04T02:50:00.000-08:00

In U.S. they invented a machine that catches thieves; they took it outto different countries for a test.

In U.S.A, in 30 minutes, it caught 20 thieves;

In UK , in 30 minutes itcaught 50 thieves;

Spain , in 30 minutes it caught 65 thieves;

Ghana ,in 30 minutes it caught 600 thieves; . .

India , in 15 minutes the machinewas stolen.

Re - marry ?

2008-12-04T02:46:00.000-08:00

Re - Marry ? Re - Think ?
A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the
Wife looks over at him and asks the question....
WIFE: "What would you do if I die? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"
HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."
WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed. "
WIFE: -- silence --
HUSBAND: "sh*t."

Softwarism.........ultimate!!!

2008-09-18T04:43:00.000-07:00

Chandrababuism
You have two cows in Vijayawada. You hook them to internet and milk them from Hyderabad.

Jayalalithaism
You have two cows. You teach them to cry, "Ammaaaaaaa..." and fall at your feet.

Karunanidhism
You have two cows. You give one to your son and the other to your nephew.

Gandhism
You have two cows. But you drink goat's milk.

Indiraism
You have two bulls. You adamantly consider them as cows.

Lalooism
You have two cows. You buy Rs.900 crore worth of cattle feed for them.

Rajnikantism
You have two cows. You throw them into air and catch their milk in your mouth.

Sardarism
You have two cows. You paint them both to get colorful milk.

Softwarism: (Ultimate....)
Client has 2 cows and u need to milk them.

1. First prepare a document when to milk them (Project kick off)
2. Prepare a document how long you have to milk them (Project plan)
3. Then prepare how to milk them (Design)
4. Then prepare what other accessories are needed to milk them (Framework)
5. Then prepare two dummy cows (sort of toy cows) and show to client the way in which you will milk them. (UI Mockups & POC)
6. If client is not satisfied then redo from step 2
7. You actually start milking them and find that there are few problems with accessories. (Change framework)
8. Redo step 4
9. At last milk them and send it to onsite. (Coding over)
10. Make sure that cow milks properly (Testing)
11. Onsite reports that it is not milking there.
12. You break your head and find that onsite is trying to milk from bulls
13. At last onsite milk them and send to client (Testing)
14. Client says the quality of milk is not good. (User Acceptance Test)
15. Offsite then slogs and improves the quality of milk
16. Now the client says that the quality is good but it’s milking at slow rate (performance issue)
17. Again you slog and send it with good performance.
18. Client is happy???

By this time both the COWS aged and can’t milk.
(The software got old and get ready for next release)

Repeat from step 1!!!!!

Questions on Java

2008-09-17T03:40:00.000-07:00

Q. What is JFC ?
A. Jilebi, Fanta & Coffee

Q. Explain 2 tier and 3 -tier Architecture ?
A. Two wheelers like scooters will have 2 tyres and autorickshaws will have 3 tyres.

Q. I want to store more than 10 objects in a remote server ? Which methodology will follow ?
A. Send it through courier.

Q. Can I modify an object in CORBA ?
A. As you wish , I do not have any objections.

Q. How to communicate 2 threads each other ?
A. Non living things can't communicate.

Q. What is meant by flickering ?
A. Closing and opening of eyes at girls.

Q. Explain RMI Architecture?
A. I am a computer professional not an architect student.

Q. What is the use of Servlets ?
A. In hotels, they can replace servers.

Q. What is the dif ference between Process and Threads ?
A. Threads are small ropes. Make a rope from threads is an example for process.

Q. When is update method called ?
A. Who is update method?

Q. What is JAR file ?
A. File that can be kept inside a jar.

Q. What is JINI ?
A. A ghost which was Aladdin's friend.

Q. How will you call an Applet from a _Java Script?
A. I will give invitation.

Q. How you can know about drivers and datax-ud information ?
A. I will go and enquire in the bus dep ot.

Q. What is serialization ?
A. Arranging one after the other from left to right.

Q. What is bean ? Where it can be used ?
A. A kind of vegetable. In kitchens for cooking they can be used.

Q. Write down how will you create a binary Tree ?
A. When we sow a binary seed , a binary tree will grow.

Q. What is the exact difference between Unicast and Multicast object ?
A. If in a society, if there is only one caste, then it is Unicast, else it is multicast

Q. What is the difference between an Abstract class and Interface?
A. Terms are different ... nothing more

Software engineer and his wife

2008-08-19T04:04:00.000-07:00

Husband - hey dear, I am logged in.

Wife - would you like to have some snacks?
Husband - hard disk full.

Wife - have you brought the saree.
Husband - Bad command or file name.

Wife - but I told you about it in morning
Husband - erroneous syntax, abort, retry, cancel.

Wife - hae bhagwan !forget it where's your salary.
Husband - file in use, read only, try after some time.

Wife - at least give me your credit card, I can do some shopping.
Husband - sharing violation, access denied.

Wife - I made a mistake in marrying you.
Husband - data type mismatch.

Wife - you are useless.
Husband - by default.

Wife - who was there with you in the car this morning?
Husband - system unstable press ctrl, alt, del to Reboot.

Wife - what is the relation between you & your Receptionist?
Husband - the only user with write permission.

Wife - what is my value in your life?
Husband - unknown virus detected.

Wife - do you love me or your computer?
Husband - Too many parameters.

Wife - I will go to my dad's house..
Husband - program performed illegal operation, it will Close.

Wife - I will leave you forever.
Husband - close all programs and log out for another User.

Wife - it is worthless talking to you.
Husband - shut down the computer.

Wife - I am going
Husband - Its now safe to turn off your computer

IT Persons

2008-08-06T04:56:00.000-07:00

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost.
He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts,
'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I Would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am.'

The man below says, 'Yes. You are in a hot air balloon,
Hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40
and 42 degrees North latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees West Longitude.'

'You must be a programmer,' says the balloonist.

'I am,' replies the man. 'How did you know?'

'Well,' says the balloonist, 'everything you have told me is
Technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your Information and the fact is I am still lost.'

The man below says, "You must be a project manager."

'Yes, I am,' replies the balloonist, 'but how did you know?'

'Well,' says the man, 'you don't know where you are, or where
You are going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to Keep, and you expect me to solve your problem.'

How to identify a Software engineer

2008-07-27T21:13:00.000-07:00

1. He/She never bargains… No wonder things have become so costly!

2. When a cab/bus passes by and you see all the commuters in it are sleeping like they haven’t slept for years…

3. Dilbert or Calvin is their favorite cartoon…

4. Words like issues, tracker, raising requests, buzz/ping, compile, delete [unlike erase or rub it off], onsite [n not abroad is what ‘foreign land’ is called] are the ones that would be used by ‘default’…

5. Weekends are holy words… they are like a salvation one seeks for…

6. “Wazzzup”, “Hows life?”, are few obvious questions one will be greeted with which would be immediately followed by “how’s work?”

7. Salaries, work etc are always better or in good shape in other companies than the one he/she is currently in…

8. They don’t send or take things… they always forward them!

9. Drinking coffee is the most pleasurable thing they think they do in the entire day…

10. They seek a search engine in just almost everything they do… When I forget where I have kept my things at home the first thing that comes to my mind is “I wish there was a Google search for my room”

11. Mondays are always blue…

12. All of them will have a dream to do something in life and that something would never be what they are doing right now…

Marriage

2008-07-27T20:17:00.000-07:00

David Bissonette
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

Sacha Guitry
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.

Socrates
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.

Dumas
The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?

Sigmund Freud
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Anonymous
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."

Sam Kinison
"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."

James Holt McGavran
"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't."

Patrick Murray
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.

Nash
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...

Anonymous
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

Henny Youngman
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

Anonymous
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

Anonymous
First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

Poor Guys

2008-07-23T05:19:00.000-07:00

When a Girl Cries ------------ The World "Consoles" her
But when a boy cries ---------- Come on man don't be A "Girl"

If A Girl slaps a Boy ----------- Definitely the Boy would have "done something"
If Boy Slaps a girl -------------- Rascal doesn't know how to "Respect Ladies"

If a Girl is talking to Boys ----- She is "Very Friendly"
If a Boy talks to a Girl ---------- He is "flirting"

If a Girl meets with accident -------------------- Then its "mistake of others"
If a Boy meets with same accident ------------ Bloody you "don't know how to Drive"

If a Girl was on leave to office ---------- Then may be she is notfeeling good
If a Boy was on leave to office ---------- Then they say Drunken Monk "He is off coz of HANGOVER"

Laws Newton Forgot to state

2008-07-23T05:13:00.000-07:00

Realistic laws that Newton forgot to state - (aka Murphy's Law)

LAW OF QUEUE: If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.

LAW OF TELEPHONE: When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged one.

LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

LAW OF THE WORKSHOP: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

LAW OF THE ALIBI: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.

BATH THEOREM: When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.

LAW OF ENCOUNTERS: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

LAW OF THE RESULT: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will!

LAW OF BIOMECHANICS: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

THEATRE RULE: People with the seats at the furthest from the aisle arrive last.

Office Humour

2008-07-23T05:00:00.000-07:00

After 2 years of selfless service, a man realized that he has not been promoted, no transfer, no salary increment, no commendation. So he decided to walk up to his HR Manager. His manager looked at him, smiled and asked him to sit down saying:

'My friend you have not worked here for even a single day.' The man was surprised to hear this, but the manager went on to explain.

Manager: How many days are there in a year?

Man: 365 days and sometimes 366.

Manager: How many hours make up a day?

Man: 24 Hours.

Manager: How long do u work in a day?

Man: 10am to 6pm i.e 8 hours a day.

Manager: So, what fraction of the day do u work in hours?

Man: He did some arithmetic and said 8/24 i.e 1/3 (one third).

Manager: This is nice of u! what is 1/3rd of 366 days?

Man: 122(1/3 x 366=122 in days)

Manager: Do u come to work on weekends?

Man: No sir.

Manager: How many days r there in a year that r weekends?

Man: 52 Saturdays and 52 Sundays equals to 104 days.

Manager: Thanks for that. If u remove 104 days from 122 days. how many days do u now have?

Man: 18 days.

Manager: I do give u 2 weeks sick leave every year. Now remove that 14 days from the 18 days left. How many days do u have remaining?

Man: 4 days.

Manager: Do u work on Republic Day?

Man: No sir!

Manager: Do u come to work on Independance Day?

Man: No sir!

Manager: So how many days r left?

Man: 2 days Sir!

Manager: Do u come to work on New Years Day?

Man: No sir!

Manager: So how many days r left?

Man: 1 day sir!

Manager: Do u work on Christmas Day?

Man: No Sir!

Manager: So how many days r left?

Man: None Sir!

Manager: So what r u claiming?

Man: I have understood, Sir. I did not realise that I was stealing company money all these days.

Moral-NEVER GO TO HR FOR HELP!!!

Ultimate Truth

2008-07-23T04:55:00.000-07:00

Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.

To Err is human, to forgive is not a COMPANY policy.

The road to success??.. Is always under construction.

Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does Milk.

In order to get a Loan, you first need to prove that you don't need it.

All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive or fattening.

Since Light travels faster than Sound, people appear brighter before you hear them speak.

Everyone has a scheme of getting rich?.. Which never works.

If at first you don't succeed?. Destroy all evidence that you ever tried.

You can never determine which side of the bread to butter. If it falls down, it will always land on the buttered side.

Anything dropped on the floor will roll over to the most inaccessible corner.

As soon as you mention something?? if it is good, it is taken?. If it is bad, it happens.

He who has the gold, makes the rules ---- Murphy's golden rule.

If you come early, the bus is late. If you come late?? the bus is still late.

Once you have bought something, you will find the same item being sold somewhere else at a cheaper rate.

When in a queue, the other line always moves faster and the person in front of you will always have the most complex of transactions.

If you have paper, you don't have a pen??. If you have a pen, you don't have paper?? if you have both, no one calls.

Especially for engg. Students----
If you have bunked the class, the professor has taken attendance.

You will pick up maximum wrong numbers when on roaming.

The door bell or your mobile will always ring when you are in the bathroom.

After a long wait for bus no.20, two 20 number buses will always pull in together and the bus which you get in will be crowded than the other.

If your exam is tomorrow, there will be a power cut tonight.

Irrespective of the direction of the wind, the smoke from the cigarette will always tend to go to the non-smoker

Men-Women Equations

2008-07-23T04:43:00.000-07:00

Equation 1

Human = eat + sleep + work + enjoy
Donkey = eat + sleep

Therefore,
Human = Donkey + work + enjoy

Therefore,
Human - enjoy = Donkey + work

In other words,
Human that don't know enjoy = Donkey that work

Equation 2

Men = eat + sleep + earn money
Donkeys = eat + sleep

Therefore,
Men = Donkeys + earn money

Therefore,
Men - earn money = Donkeys

In other words,
Men that don't earn money = Donkeys

Equation 3

Women = eat + sleep + spend
Donkeys = eat + sleep

Therefore,
Women = Donkeys + spend

Therefore,
Women - spend = Donkeys

In other words,
Women that don't spend = Donkeys

To Conclude:

From Equation 2 and Equation 3
Men that don't earn money = Women that don't spend.

So, Men earn money not to let women become Donkeys! (Postulate 1)

And, Women spend not to let men become Donkeys! (Postulate 2)

So, we have?
Men + Women = Donkeys + earn money + Donkeys + spend money

Therefore from Postulates 1 and 2, we can conclude
Man + Woman = 2 Donkeys that live happily together!

SarDarJi Funny Jokes

2008-07-23T04:25:00.000-07:00

Sardar to his servant: Go and water the plants.
Servant: It's already raining.
Sardar: So what take an umbrella and go.

Sardar found the answer to the most difficult question ever -
What will come first, Chicken or egg?
O Yaar, what ever U order first, will come first.

A teacher told all students in a class to write an essay on a cricket match. All were busy writing except one Sardarji.
He wrote "DUE TO RAIN, NO MATCH!"

Postman: - I Have To Come 5 Miles to Deliver U This Packet
Sardar: - why did U come so far. Instead U could Have posted it....

A Sardar & his wife filed an application for Divorce.
Judge asked: How'll U divide your kids, U"VE 3 children?
Sardar replied: Ok! We'll apply NEXT YEAR

Sardar's wish: when I die, I wana die like my Grandpa who died peacefully in his sleep not Screaming like all d passengers in d car he was Driving..

A Teacher lecturing on population:
"In Indi a after every 10 secs a women gives birth to a kid. "
A Sardar stands up- "We must find & stop her!. "

A man: "Sardarji, tell me, why Manmohan Singh goes for a walk in the evening not in the morning?"
Sardarji: ''Arey bhai Manmohan is PM not AM''.

Sardar visits Chinese friend dying in hospital.
The Chinese friend just says "CHIN YU YAN" and dies.
Sardarji goes to China to find the meaning of his friend's last Words.
And finds It means "U R STANDNG ON the OXYGEN TUBE!"

Sardarji was standing in front of the mirror with his eyes closed.
His wife asked what you are doing.
He said-I am seeing how I look while sleeping.

Why did Sardar cut the sides of the capsule before taking it?
Guess what...
To avoid side effects!!!

Man: Sardarji where were U born?
Sardarji: Punjab .
Man: Which part?
Sardar: Oye part part kya kar raha hai, whole body Is born in Punjab Yaar".

Sardar: For the past one week a girl is disturbing Me.
I don't know how she got my no, she interrupts whenever I call someone and says "please recharge your card"

A person went into the office kitchen one morning and found a Sardarji painting the walls. She was wearing a new fur coat and a nice denim jacket. Thinking this was a little strange, he asked her why she was wearing them rather than old clothes or an overall.
She showed him the instructions on the tin, "For Best Results put on Two Coats"

A sardar was drawing money from ATM,
The sardar behind him in the line said, "Ha! Ha! Haaa! I've seen ur password. Its 4 asterisks (****). "
The first sardar replies, "Ha! Ha! Haaa! U R wrong, Its 1258"

Q:) How do U recognize a sardar in school or College???
A:) They are the ones who erase their notebooks when the teacher erases the blackboard... BOLO tarara!!

Q:) Why did the sardarji sleep with a scale?
A:) Because he wanted to measure how long he has Slept........

Santa Singh MBBS
After finishing his MBBS, Dr. Santa Singh starts his Own practice.
He checked his first patient's Eyes, then the tongue, and finally the Ears using a torch.
Finally he said Battery is Ok !!!

IT Companies Full Names

2008-07-23T03:34:00.000-07:00

1. NIIT : Not Interested in IT

2. WIPRO: Weak Input, Poor & Rubbish Output

3. HCL : Hidden Costs & Losses

4. TCS : Totally Confusing Solutions

5. INFOSYS : Inferior Offline Systems

6. HUGHES : Highly Useless Graduates Hired for Eating and Sleeping

7. BAAN : Beggars Association and Nerds

8. IBM : Implicitly Boring Machines

9. SATYAM: Sad and Tired Yelling Away Madly

10. PARAM : Puzzled and Ridiculous Array of Microprocessors

11. C-DOT : Coffee during Office Timings

12. AT&T : All Troubles & Terrible

13. CMC : Coffee, Meals and Comfort

14. DEC : Drifting & Exhausted Computers

15. BFL : Brainwash first and Let them go

17. TISL : Totally Inconsistent Systems Ltd.

18. PSI : Peculiar Symptoms of India

19. ORACLE: On-line Romance And Chatting with Lady Employees .

20. PATNI : Pathetic Appraisal Techniques, No Increments.

21. MASTEK : Mad and Stupid Technicians Enrooted to Kabaar

New Software

2008-07-23T03:25:00.000-07:00

What if u upgraded from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0

Dear Tech Support Team:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0.

I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child-processes that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.
In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activities.

Applications such as BachelorNights 10.3, Cricket 5.0 , BeerWithBuddies 7.5, and Outings 3.6 no longer runs, crashing the system whenever selected. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications.

I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 5.0 , but the 'uninstall ' doesn't work on Wife 1.0.

Please help!

Thanks,
"A Troubled User "

REPLY:

Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that people complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program.
Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING !!!

It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 5.0.

It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 5.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed not to allow this. (Look in your Wife 1.0 Manual under Warnings-Alimony- Child Support) ..

I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the environment.

I suggest installing the background application " Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean 2.5, Sweep 3.0, Cook 1.5 and DoLaundry 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program NagNag 9.5 .

Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend
Sarees 2.1 and Jewellery 5.0

STATUTORY WARNING : DO NOT, under any circumstances, install SecretaryWithShortSkirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support....